


Follow The Lines and I’ll Be Your Guide

by YoukeyH (Vampisticated)



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Glam Rock RPF, Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Community: hc_bingo, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-09
Updated: 2011-09-09
Packaged: 2017-10-24 07:03:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/260452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vampisticated/pseuds/YoukeyH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was always the same signs. Even if it’s not in the same order every time, its always the same ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Follow The Lines and I’ll Be Your Guide

**Author's Note:**

> written for my [](http://hc-bingo.livejournal.com/profile)[ **hc_bingo**](http://hc-bingo.livejournal.com/) **[card](http://youkeyh.livejournal.com/6411.html)** , under the square ‘Wild Card’ and I picked self-harm. Some of the things one of the characters feel were kind of based from a real person.

Most of the time it starts with Tommy being extremely happy. Other times Adam would already see him quiet. Tommy is not a really loud person, but his quiet personality is different from being quiet when he’s having one of his ‘episodes’. It never really last for long periods of times, _mostly_. From what he remembers, the longest he’d seen Tommy like this was in no more than a week. But it’s already been more than a week since the last time he saw Tommy smiling for a whole day. Like a real smile, and Adam wants to see that.

   
They’ve been in a hotel for two days now. Adam saw Tommy last night head straight to his shared room with Isaac after their rehearsals. Isaac said that Tommy told him he wasn’t in the mood to go out last night. He’d let it go since it will be a wasted effort to try and talk to Tommy when he really wants to be alone.  
   
The next day was a free day. So all of the band and crew are headed out play tourist. Adam borrowed Isaac’s key card and told him that he needs to talk to Tommy. Isaac being one of the few people who understands Tommy gave it in a heartbeat. He said that he’d try to get back as late as he possibly can so Adam can have a whole day to bring back the bassist’s good mood. Adam thanks whatever higher power out there that Tommy’s got Isaac.  
   
He carefully opens the door to Isaac and Tommy’s room in case Tommy’s still sleeping. Brooding or not, Tommy still has the body clock of a vampire. When he reached the two beds he finds both empty. He can hear the shower running, so he knows that Tommy is still in the room. He sits at the edge of Tommy’s bed and waits for him to come out. After ten minutes he hears the shower turn off, a minute later the door opens and Tommy comes out with cargo shorts on and a towel around his shoulders. His hair is still dripping wet, as well as him arms and torso. He doesn’t notice Adam at first, and that’s how Adam sees them. Red, angry lines. From this far he could still see how fresh they are, though there’s no blood he knows they’re new.  
   
He stood up and walks up to Tommy slowly.  
   
The moment Tommy sees Adam his face showed surprise and a little panic. He subtly tries to hide them, making the towel around his shoulders cover up his arms, but Adam already knows they’re there. Adam just stares at Tommy’s face who still avoids looking at him. When the shorter man’s within reach, he carefully pulls Tommy against him and hugs him. He tightens his hold on Tommy but not tight enough to make the new cuts on his upper arm bleed.  
   
Adam wants to do a lot of things all at once, his jumbled feelings are not helping either. He wants to ask Tommy. He wasn’t to take care of him. He wants to shield him away from all the bad things that trigger him. He wants to be angry at Tommy for letting it get to him. He wants to make Tommy happy.  
   
He wants to ask why, but he already knows the reasons. So instead he asks, “How are you feeling?”  
   
Tommy didn’t answer him right away. Adam walks them back to the bed without releasing his hold on Tommy. When the back of his legs hit the bed, he slowly maneuvers both of them to the other end of the bed so Adam can sit back on the headboard. Tommy molds his body on top of Adam and stays silent for a few more minutes.  
   
Adam tries not to count how long they were lying there. He knows that it won’t do to push Tommy until he’s ready. So he just relaxes and waits.  
   
“I’m sorry” Is the first thing that Tommy says. Adam waits. “I know I told you that I’ll try and hold it off. Try to stop it from happening.” He sighs heavily. “But it’s hard.”  
   
Adam can’t say he knows, because he really doesn’t. “Its okay baby. I know you tried, that’s what matters.” He removes Tommy on top of him and takes the towel that’s still around his shoulders and dries the rest of his body that’s still a little wet. When he was finish he tosses the towel on the floor and resumed their previous position. He cards his hands through Tommy’s blonde hair because he knows Tommy likes it. Adam knows what Tommy needs. He’s done this so many times before that he knows the right things to do. And the most important, is to wait for Tommy.  
   
“I hate myself when I’m like this. I wish I could stop it.” Adam hates the tone of his voice. It’s the sound of pain and misery. And every time he hears it he wishes the he can make it better, make it stop so Tommy won’t have to go through it again.  
   
“It’s not your fault Tommy. Like you said, you can’t help it.” He takes his left arm. He takes his time looking at the horror sleeve that makes Tommy proud every time somebody sees and appreciates it. Adam in time, became one of those people. Though most people just see the ink, if you look closely you’d see the faint lines that they cover up. They’re not that deep, and they’re already barely noticeable because of the tattoos, but it's there.  
   
Adam didn’t even know about them, not until after the first time he witnessed Tommy shut-off. He’s already calm and sleeping beside Adam, and he took the opportunity to study Tommy’s horror sleeve. He was studying the details of each character slowly that he started to see the faint lines of scars to goes in different directions underneath them. At first he thought he was only imagining them, but when he ran his index finger along them, he feels it. They’re not deep to really feel them, but if your concentrate enough you would.  
   
 _‘It was one of the reasons why I decided to get inked.’_ He remembers Tommy saying. His eyes were still closed like he’s still asleep. _‘I got tired of people assuming things when they see them. At least this way the only thing they’ll see are my tattoos.’_  
   
“Is it just one thing this time, or a bunch of them?” He knows he doesn’t make sense, he just wants Tommy to tell him how he is now. He just hopes the effects are finally fading.  
   
“I honestly don’t know.” He’s playing the hem of Adam’s shirt, rolling them beneath his fingers. “I think it started of with one thing, then another after that. I think everything just piled up even before I got finished with one.”  
   
“The last two weeks have been difficult. And some days I don’t even know why. I felt like everything was closing in on me. I wanted to let it out but another thing comes in and it would add to the pile. It makes it harder to handle my feelings. And I’m sorry if I get like this. I really wish I could stop it.” He hides his face at the crook of Adam’s neck at breathes in his scent, he lets it out shakily hinting Adam that they’re close to ending this. He really hopes after this Tommy will get better again. He angles his head to kiss the top of Tommy’s hair.  
   
“I’m scared Adam.”  
   
“What are you scared of baby?”  
   
“I’m scared that one day I won’t be able to get out of it. I’ve been so close, so many times.” Adam knew those. He’s been there the three times it happened ever since they met. And every time it happens he prays to anyone that would hear him to help Tommy make it. He’s never been scared his whole life like those times.  
   
He knows that he can’t make promises like it would never happen again. Because he knows, they both know this isn’t the last time. He can’t also say that Tommy would get better to the point that he’ll never be triggered like this again. They both know it. But Adam knows one thing.  
   
“It’s alright Tommy. I’m always gonna be here, no matter what baby.” When Tommy lifts his head to look at him he could see the hope in his eyes. He leans in and kisses him, hoping that he could transfer in that kiss his faith in Tommy. His faith that Tommy will try to fight it, try to manage it so it won’t be as bad as before. “When that happens I’ll be here. I won’t give you up.”  
   
He lays them down on the bed, hugging Tommy to him. He silently promises Tommy that as long as he lets him, Adam would always be there for him. They close their eyes and let themselves drift off. Adam knows it’s over for now, and until the next time it happens he’ll keep Tommy here beside him.


End file.
